Eavesdropped!

Doggie Dictionary

Author: Fido Dalmatian, Professor of Doglish, Dog University

LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling

you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.

DOG BED: any soft, clean surface, such as the white

bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered

couch in the living room.

DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and

you don’t. To do this properly you must sit as close as you

can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or

better yet, on their laps.

SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs.

Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog’s rear

end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your

person makes you stop.

GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put

out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on

your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If

you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers

to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of

bread.

BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for

dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit,

you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly

and run alongside for a few yards; the person then

swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.

DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when

their person want them in and they want to stay out.

Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then

running in the opposite direction, or lying down.

THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to

an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during

thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the

danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your

eyes wildly, and following at their heels.

WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper,

envelopes, and old candy wrapper. When you get bored,

turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the

house until your person comes home

SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After

eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa

and wipe your whiskers clean.

BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the

floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking

vigorously and frequently.

LEAN: Every good dogs’s response to the command “sit !”,

especially if your person is dressed for an evening out.

Incredibly effective before black-tie events.

BUMP: The best way to get your human’s attention when

they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when

the Regular Bump doesn’t get the attention you

require…..especially effective when combined with The

Sniff. See above.

LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and

without restriction. The best way you can show your love

is to wag your tail. If you’re lucky, a human will love you

in return.

:Sent to me by my mom 🙂

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Eavesdropped!

“The first principle is that you must not fool yourself – and you are the easiest person to fool. So you have to be very careful about that.”

:Richard Feynman in Cargo Cult Science in Surely You’re Joking, Mr. Feynman.

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Eavesdropped!

I had once thought to take drugs, but I got kind of scared of that: I love to think, and I don’t want to screw up the machine.

:Richard Feynman in Altered States in Surely You’re Joking Mr. Feynman.

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Eavesdropped!

“If you see a dog walking on his hind legs, it’s not so much that he does it well, as that as he does it at all.”

:Richard Feynman quoting Samuel Johnson in Found Out In Paris in Surely You’re Joking, Mr. Feynman.

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Eavesdropped!

“The students had, for example, a special ceremony in which they granted each Nobel-Prize-winner the special “Order of the Frog.” When you get this little frog, you have to make a frog noise.

:Richard Feynman in Alfred Nobel’s Other Mistake in Surely You’re Joking, Mr. Feynman.

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